The End of the Sidewalk . . . adventures in a wheel chair or mobility challenged!

Every time we go out into the village it is an adventure.  Usually ends with me ranting or in tears.  If I were to go out alone, I would be taking my life into my own hands.  Serious.  NOT exaggerated.  People have a habit of "not seeing".  For many reasons.  Ignorance.  Bias.  Selfishness.  Disregard for others.  Vulnerable others.

Well we bought one of those flags for the back of my wheel chair!  NO EXCUSE not to see me.  When we go out, both Mr B & I have to be 360 degree aware of what is going on.  We have to think and see what cars, bikes, people are around us.  We cannot assume everyone is alert and aware.  They simply are NOT.

First of all, the contractors/designers of handicap access need to re-check the specs!  Unfortunately, I think they are created out of lack of knowledge what a mature adult needs and what disabled people need.  What they think should be standard simply is wrong.  Usually a ramp is constructed too steep, not wide enough, a lip at the street level.  Any of these miscalculations can cause a wheel chair to tip, whip into traffic or not be able to move on.

Every one who is involved with that kind of construction needs to travel in a wheel chair just once!  They would have a different view of what we experience.  The view and the experience when you have to use a motorized wheel chair is very different at our level.  AND it just is not the streets or the ramps.  It's about access to bathrooms and to stores.  How many stores do not have good access?  I have had my foot caught between my chair and the door jam.  Painful.  Bruised!  DO NOT say you are wheelchair accessible unless you have sat in a chair and gone thru that door with ease! Bathrooms should be ALWAYS clean and operable.  Toilet seats fixed and usable.  What is wrong with City officials when they approve places that are not up to code?

The village we live in is less then 3,000 people.  Many of the population are challenged in various ways:  mentally, socially, physically.  And the consideration we are given is minimal.  We have approached several businesses when we encounter issues.  What is rather humorous is even those who park (legitimately I will add) in handicap spots are guilty too.  Next to each handicap parking spot is usually a handicap ramp access.  Now wheelchairs can be wide and when the parking spots on either side of a ramp are encroached upon THAT PREVENTS a person in a wheelchair access to that business.  It is not one sided at all.  It's carelessness.  Being unaware.  In some cases, a feeling of entitlement by the offender. 

And, it's not just small towns.  It's any size of town.  Recently in a city of a bit over a million where we travel to frequently.  I was not able to easily access entrance nor table space.  Next time we shall have a chat with the manager or the owner.  I am a voice.  I AM an advocate.  Be aware, people!  We may not be at your eyesight view BUT . . . STOP   LOOK   LISTEN.  How would you feel if your mother, father, brother, sister or heaven forbid YOU were challenged?  And, being that person can happen without a moment's notice.  An accident.  An illness.  YOU can be that person who is now challenged.  Be aware.

You are in the Studio with Mrs B.

Broken . . . flawed but rising like the Phoenix . . . .

yes . . . I am broken . . . flawed.  Angry.  I once was so innocent that I believed as a child who loved to dance in the grass of our huge back yard in Waterloo, Iowa that life would be like this.  Forever.  Forever is a long time.  The house I grew up in is no longer there.  Destroyed by a fire.  Time goes on despite what happens. 

Like so many of us we take things for granted.  We are in the moment and do not even think much about the future.  We never give it a second thought that things might change.  Oh heaven's event that is so naive.  Things WILL change.  Things DO change.  Sometimes there is no control over the change.  Those are the big changes and affect our lives profoundly.  The ones that leave us broken.  Leave us flawed.  Leave us angry. 

I was a clumsy ballerina.  At that stage of being a bit overweight and with weak ankles.  But I had a passion.  I had a Hungarian dance teacher.  Loved the Hungarian Gypsy dance we were taught.  One with ribbons on our tambourines - on our costumes.  Now that I think back... how ironic.  Taking on the name Gypsy as an artist.  Even then I was a free thinker....a free spirit.  Dancing perfection in my mind. 

How little I knew....about the future....about change.  It can happen so quickly.  You wake up morning and cannot get out of bed.  Sigh.  A downhill struggle.  Months of recovering from back surgery.  Finding other flawed parts of me.  Trying to put them back together just like Humpty Dumpty. 

You think . . . ok I've gotten thru this.  Almost two years where moments I did not know if I would be able to speak again (damaged vocal cords during back surgery).  Spending weeks on my back not being able to walk.  Then months and months of therapy.  Back brace that was cumbersome and ill-fitting.  Life changed.  I was broken...flawed....but rising like the Phoenix.

Ok got thru this.  I am whole again .....well maybe not totally whole again but I was rising.  Life changes in bits and pieces.  You never quite feel like you can breathe fully.  Like waiting for the shoe to fall....again. 

Your life is different now.  There is freedom since you are not able to work like before - you are retired.  Forced to retire but still retired.  Now you can do whatever you want to do.  Mended.  Held together with nuts, bolts and screws.  Thank heaven for titanium!  Freedom to be the gypsy that my heart, soul, & spirit are.  To wander the country wherever I want.  And, I did.  I was the Phoenix that rose. 

And, then the other shoe fell.  Very unexpectedly.  Out of the blue.  Broken bones, scrapes, surgeries - oh that I could contend with because you do heal.  It interrupts life but you do heal.  I am of strong stock.  That I learned early on.  The Irish (my Dad's side) the Danish (my mother's side). 

The one thing that haunted my health was pernicious anemia.  A serious blood issue that we found out about when I gave birth to my daughter.  Never was hospitalized for it.  Was under control.  I took weekly shots for it and was high functioning always.  Then the wandering the country.  Was almost two years without it...maybe longer.  But felt fine.  I would get back on B12 injections the next place I landed.  North Carolina.  long sigh..........................

Was all set to leave North Carolina and join my future husband in Canada.  "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water" oh yes they did....but it wasn't Jack that fell....no it was me and came tumbling down....in major proportions.  Big splash.  Big shoe falling down that hill of life.  And, YES, I cried the "why me" refrain and the answer came loud and clear "WHY NOT?"  A pity party for a day - yes I only allow myself to sink into despair, wallow in the murk for 24 hours.  Anything beyond that is senseless.  The present now contains another battle. 

I am broken....I am flawed....and at times it is hard to be that Phoenix rising.  This time it was different.  Yes four years later I am still here.  In full remission but.....I am angry that I beat this devil and the repercussions from that battle and the post chemo affects are still waging within me.  I AM ANGRY.  Angry I cannot walk outside without my motorized chair.  Angry that I cannot walk around the lakes like I used to.  ANGRY that my body does not cooperate with me - that I need as much help as I need.  This Phoenix is grasping for anything to help me rise higher...higher. 

Broken...flawed but still a Phoenix....altho the wings of the Phoenix are slightly scorched and its wings have been bent and broken but the Phoenix will mend...the Phoenix has a new "paradise" - a mate who loves her with all his magnificent heart, soul and spirit that matches hers.

You are in the Studio with Mrs. B

Time...

Time goes on - marches forward. . . we look back and sometimes it makes us smile and sometimes makes us go deep within.  Do we ever shut the door to the past?  We try sometimes.  Unsuccessfully.  With the passage of time we often see things differently or maybe it's we see things more clearly.   Regrets?  Sometimes.  Not all times.

We learn when we look back.  Time gives - no affords us the ability to "see" objectively what happened - what was said.  What if?  Sorry - not possible.  The what if is always hanging there in space . . . in the mind.  What is accomplished by that?  Absolutely nothing.  Or maybe it's a cautionary thought.  An insight into the thought process....the regret.  There is no going back.  No going back.  Only possibility is to forgive one's self or if possible . . . saying I am sorry.  Taking responsibility for something that at the time was said or done in the heat of the moment or feeling trapped and felt like no way out.

If nothing else and we are strong enough, brave enough to face the past head on, then turn it into a learning experience.  And sometimes, it has to be just as it was.. . . in order to move on.  In order to shut one door so another could open.  Turn it into a positive.

There are so many words that are what I call "overrated  emotions".  "Perfection" is one of them. If you only seek perfection, where is there to go?  Only downward. I am only human.  We all are only human.  We make mistakes.  Hopefully, we learn from those mistakes or misgivings and move on.  Inner reflection is good.  However, dwelling there is overrated.  Do not get stuck in the consequences of it all.  Guilt is another overrated emotion.  Some guilt is good - keeps us from doing very obviously bad things.  Too much guilt?  Well that can be very destructive and keeps us in a place of fear.

Life is a balance.  A healthy balance of emotions.  We begin life so much as innocents.  The experiences we have as we grow older and, hopefully, wiser is a balancing act.  Looking back we can see the growth, the stumbling, the re-balancing.  In the end I KNOW I did the best I could with what I had.  AND I found the way to forgive, be transparent, LOVE and most of all be myself and forgive myself.

You're In the Studio with Mrs. B