I AM Weary...exhausted from head to foot ...from inside out . . .No one told me that the new normal would have so many side notes. December of 2014 I grieved for the loss of "the" normal. My process has always been give 3 days of grieving (for whatever I need to grieve about) and then embrace the challenge and move onward. I AM and always will be a fighter but. . .
It's the "but" that always seems to get us or perhaps it's just me. I did forget that no one is perfect. Nothing is perfect. There are always addendum, clauses and coda for the new . . . yes even the new normal. I am a flexible person. I roll with the punches. I do wonder how many twists and turns and unexpected things will again be thrown my way. Is there a breaking point . . . even "tough" cookies do crumble.
This has become a day of tears...not sure if of joy or relief or release. I just don't know but the tears are flowing. Fear? The "what ifs"? No more "go arounds". I do not want to go thru all of this again. The protocol was deadly - one of the strongest in battling lymphoma. No more. No more. It wrecked havoc on my lymphatic system and bones . . . mobility....do I need to go on?
Feeling like "Pandora's Box" is opening and what I shall find inside I have no idea. I am afraid. for almost 3 years I was at the mercy of doctors that are supposed to be the experts. And each in their own way failed me. Over reacting? Consider how many doctors fail many patients all the time...no I am not over reacting!
AND, yes I was spot on (unfortunately) "Pandora's Box" multi-leveled, ever expanding into somewhat of a chaos. I found my good doctor...finally. She hears ME! She listens to ME! She leaves no stone un-turned. I have had multiples tests - all very revealing. I have no idea where this will lead - hopefully, to a better life. I am a firm believer that information is essential. FACTS empower. No hypotheticals. Just the facts. That is the power. Do NOT hide anything from me. I am IRISH I can take the truth. In fact I DEMAND it.
Ages ago I came up with an agreement with myself. Yes. I detested people when they broke up with someone or had an event that caused the great stress...and would let the event swallow them up - so much that they could not function AT ALL. I was determined NOT to be that person. For me I never wanted to dwell in the past drama. I do not pass judgement really. For me drowning in my "grief" just was not for me. So the agreement with myself is simple I give myself maximum 3 days of "grief". A pity party for one ONLY please. Wallow in all the memories. The what ifs. They whys. Get it out of my system and then go on. Of course, there are those moments when you digress but they become less and less.
I've been able to keep that promise. Yes, even thru the unexpected with health. I have found I no longer think "Why me" it honestly is "Why not me". And, I grieve - trust me I still do but I try desperately to adhere to my agreement with myself. Let it all out and then . . . move forward and become that warrior again.
I am ready for the new new normal. I've had experience with this. One of my favorite lines from a song we all know is this "Don't cry for me Argentina. . . " absorb, learn from my words. Never be afraid to challenge, to question. YOU are in charge of your body....your life!
You are In the Studio with Mrs. B
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