Broken . . . flawed but rising like the Phoenix . . . .

yes . . . I am broken . . . flawed.  Angry.  I once was so innocent that I believed as a child who loved to dance in the grass of our huge back yard in Waterloo, Iowa that life would be like this.  Forever.  Forever is a long time.  The house I grew up in is no longer there.  Destroyed by a fire.  Time goes on despite what happens. 

Like so many of us we take things for granted.  We are in the moment and do not even think much about the future.  We never give it a second thought that things might change.  Oh heaven's event that is so naive.  Things WILL change.  Things DO change.  Sometimes there is no control over the change.  Those are the big changes and affect our lives profoundly.  The ones that leave us broken.  Leave us flawed.  Leave us angry. 

I was a clumsy ballerina.  At that stage of being a bit overweight and with weak ankles.  But I had a passion.  I had a Hungarian dance teacher.  Loved the Hungarian Gypsy dance we were taught.  One with ribbons on our tambourines - on our costumes.  Now that I think back... how ironic.  Taking on the name Gypsy as an artist.  Even then I was a free thinker....a free spirit.  Dancing perfection in my mind. 

How little I knew....about the future....about change.  It can happen so quickly.  You wake up morning and cannot get out of bed.  Sigh.  A downhill struggle.  Months of recovering from back surgery.  Finding other flawed parts of me.  Trying to put them back together just like Humpty Dumpty. 

You think . . . ok I've gotten thru this.  Almost two years where moments I did not know if I would be able to speak again (damaged vocal cords during back surgery).  Spending weeks on my back not being able to walk.  Then months and months of therapy.  Back brace that was cumbersome and ill-fitting.  Life changed.  I was broken...flawed....but rising like the Phoenix.

Ok got thru this.  I am whole again .....well maybe not totally whole again but I was rising.  Life changes in bits and pieces.  You never quite feel like you can breathe fully.  Like waiting for the shoe to fall....again. 

Your life is different now.  There is freedom since you are not able to work like before - you are retired.  Forced to retire but still retired.  Now you can do whatever you want to do.  Mended.  Held together with nuts, bolts and screws.  Thank heaven for titanium!  Freedom to be the gypsy that my heart, soul, & spirit are.  To wander the country wherever I want.  And, I did.  I was the Phoenix that rose. 

And, then the other shoe fell.  Very unexpectedly.  Out of the blue.  Broken bones, scrapes, surgeries - oh that I could contend with because you do heal.  It interrupts life but you do heal.  I am of strong stock.  That I learned early on.  The Irish (my Dad's side) the Danish (my mother's side). 

The one thing that haunted my health was pernicious anemia.  A serious blood issue that we found out about when I gave birth to my daughter.  Never was hospitalized for it.  Was under control.  I took weekly shots for it and was high functioning always.  Then the wandering the country.  Was almost two years without it...maybe longer.  But felt fine.  I would get back on B12 injections the next place I landed.  North Carolina.  long sigh..........................

Was all set to leave North Carolina and join my future husband in Canada.  "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water" oh yes they did....but it wasn't Jack that fell....no it was me and came tumbling down....in major proportions.  Big splash.  Big shoe falling down that hill of life.  And, YES, I cried the "why me" refrain and the answer came loud and clear "WHY NOT?"  A pity party for a day - yes I only allow myself to sink into despair, wallow in the murk for 24 hours.  Anything beyond that is senseless.  The present now contains another battle. 

I am broken....I am flawed....and at times it is hard to be that Phoenix rising.  This time it was different.  Yes four years later I am still here.  In full remission but.....I am angry that I beat this devil and the repercussions from that battle and the post chemo affects are still waging within me.  I AM ANGRY.  Angry I cannot walk outside without my motorized chair.  Angry that I cannot walk around the lakes like I used to.  ANGRY that my body does not cooperate with me - that I need as much help as I need.  This Phoenix is grasping for anything to help me rise higher...higher. 

Broken...flawed but still a Phoenix....altho the wings of the Phoenix are slightly scorched and its wings have been bent and broken but the Phoenix will mend...the Phoenix has a new "paradise" - a mate who loves her with all his magnificent heart, soul and spirit that matches hers.

You are in the Studio with Mrs. B